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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Desperate SNL Releases 'Best Of Melanie Hutsell' DVD

NEW YORK—Having already produced best-of anthologies of such cast members as Will Ferrell, Phil Hartman, and Eddie Murphy, as well as compilations of popular guest hosts, Saturday Night Live on Tuesday released The Best Of Melanie Hutsell, a look back at the blonde woman who did the Jan Brady impressions.

"She was one of the original 'Bad Girls of SNL,' along with [Ellen] Cleghorne and [Beth] Cahill," reads a description on the back of the DVD, which features a bonus documentary titled "The Myth, the Legend: The Genesis of 'Delta Delta Delta.'" "At last, every single minute of Hutsell's classic performances are together on one DVD. From Tonya Harding to Tori Spelling to the time she had a line in one of Rob Schneider's 'Makin' Copies' sketches, Melanie did it all."

SNL also plans to release a two-hour retrospective, The Best Of The LeBron James Episode From Earlier This Year, in time for Christmas.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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