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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Despite Armie Hammer Profile In ‘Good Housekeeping’ Magazine, ‘Lone Ranger’ A Flop At Box Office

LOS ANGELES—In a development that stunned studio executives, the new Disney motion picture The Lone Ranger somehow flopped at the box office over its opening weekend despite a recent profile of star Armie Hammer in Good Housekeeping magazine. “We’re totally in disbelief over the way the movie has underperformed—people saw the half-page interview with Armie Hammer in Good Housekeeping, right?” Disney Executive Vice President of Worldwide Distribution Dave Hollis said of the 153-word article titled “Armie Hammer on What Makes a Good Marriage,” which mentions that the actor’s wife, Elizabeth, doesn’t like cold baths and that the couple does not keep secrets from each other. “It’s extremely frustrating when you have a film that has everything going for it—big-name stars, a $175 million marketing budget, a sidebar interview with Armie Hammer in Good Housekeeping magazine—and it’s still not enough. I mean, what more could we have done?” At press time, the film’s profits had reportedly picked up dramatically after Hammer sat down with E! News to talk about what it was like riding a horse.

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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