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Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short

SCHENECTADY, NY—Contrary to her pre-account vow, area resident Barb Schuyler's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the grocery store Monday made her 25 minutes late for a dental appointment was not made short. "So then, it turns out the stupid woman forgot to ring in my Savers Club discount," Schuyler said to friend Gloria Conlon nine minutes into the non-abbreviated tale. The story is the 1,643rd Schuyler has failed to make short since 1994.

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