adBlockCheck

Despite Lessons Of Cautionary Film 'Multiplicity,' Geneticists Determined To Clone Michael Keaton

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Despite Lessons Of Cautionary Film 'Multiplicity,' Geneticists Determined To Clone Michael Keaton

Actor Michael Keaton, whose imminent cloning numerous scientists argue flies in the face of the cautionary film Multiplicity.
Actor Michael Keaton, whose imminent cloning numerous scientists argue flies in the face of the cautionary film Multiplicity.

WASHINGTON—A team of geneticists in Boston earned a stern rebuke from the scientific community this week when, despite the lessons learned from the 1996 cautionary film Multiplicity, they vowed to press ahead with their efforts to clone actor Michael Keaton.

Utterly disregarding the manifold arguments against the cloning of Michael Keaton laid bare in the Harold Ramis–directed science-fiction comedy film—including the creation of Michael Keaton clones who are unnaturally aggressive, mentally impaired, or otherwise lacking in foresight and fully developed motor skills—members of a prominent genetic research team announced that their plans to clone Michael Keaton remained very much on schedule.

“While we are aware of the scientific, logistical, and ethical quandaries posed by this experiment, we believe that Michael Keaton is simply too vital an actor, performer, and personality for merely one of him to exist,” said Dr. Mike de Souza, lead genetic researcher on the Michael Keaton cloning project that opponents argue flies directly in the face of dire evidence gleaned from Multiplicity. “However, at present we are only planning to make one copy of Michael Keaton and have no intention of making more, even though the idea of an ever increasing number of Michael Keatons does, on paper, sound like an enticing proposition.”

“Again, though, we are not planning on doing that,” de Souza added. “No one wants a Multiplicity situation on their hands.”

In response to the research team’s announcement, scientists across the nation issued an urgent reminder that experiments in cloning Michael Keaton are likely to have numerous complications, including cases of mistaken identity, workplace mixups, and aberrations in physical strength and personality, issues that are all clearly explicated in the film Multiplicity by the character Doug Kinney (played by Michael Keaton).

Perhaps more problematic, opponents warn, is the fact that there is little recourse for scientists in the case of a failed cloning experiment. In the almost certain outcome that a genetic duplicate of Michael Keaton is defective, sources said researchers would have to find a way to hide him in an attic or basement, dress him in different outfits, or hastily invent a variety of other flawed excuses for the clone’s, or clones’, erratic behavior.

In the worst-case scenario, scientists said, the Michael Keaton duplicates may even have to be assigned a different identity and quietly relocated.

“Their refusal to acknowledge the lessons contained within Multiplicity is not only foolish, it could have dangerous and far-reaching consequences,” Dr. Martin Copeland, a faculty member at the Johns Hopkins Berman Institute of Bioethics, said in response to the genetic research team’s announcement. “They are willfully ignoring so many risks that, to the benefit of the scientific community, have already been brought to light by the cast and crew of Multiplicity. We know now that any attempts to clone Michael Keaton would almost certainly produce a range of deeply troubling and unwanted abnormalities that, over time, would spiral further and further out of control, to the detriment of many, including Michael Keaton. It is a near certainty that calamity would ensue.”

“Believe me, I have watched the film numerous times,” Copeland added.

At press time, sources said the Michael Keaton cloning project had been temporarily put on hold as the geneticists involved had no idea how they were going to conduct the experiment when they had to do the laundry and pick up the kids from soccer practice.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close