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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Detective Endangers Own Life By Looking Forward To Upcoming Retirement

CHICAGO—Police detective Ed "Rusty" Hodges, who has served the Chicago Police Department with distinction for more than 45 years, placed his life in severe jeopardy Monday by announcing that he is looking forward to his retirement at the end of this week. "Retirement is gonna be sweet," Hodges boldly told reporters. "Just one more big drug bust Friday over in Junkietown, then me and the wife are off to Tahiti in the yacht we've been saving up for our whole lives." Experts say Hodges' chances of surviving Friday's bust are infinitesimally small, but note that Hodges' partner loves him like a brother and won't rest until he tracks down the bastard who did it.

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