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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Detective Endangers Own Life By Looking Forward To Upcoming Retirement

CHICAGO—Police detective Ed "Rusty" Hodges, who has served the Chicago Police Department with distinction for more than 45 years, placed his life in severe jeopardy Monday by announcing that he is looking forward to his retirement at the end of this week. "Retirement is gonna be sweet," Hodges boldly told reporters. "Just one more big drug bust Friday over in Junkietown, then me and the wife are off to Tahiti in the yacht we've been saving up for our whole lives." Experts say Hodges' chances of surviving Friday's bust are infinitesimally small, but note that Hodges' partner loves him like a brother and won't rest until he tracks down the bastard who did it.

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