adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Detective Trying To Get Into Mind Of Litterer

LAKEWOOD, NJ—Tired of being led in circles by a shrewd and elusive local litterer, detective Alex Lavin attempted to penetrate the thought process of his arch-nemesis on Wednesday “to find out what makes him tick,” sources reported. “He knows I’m hot on his trail, yet he loves the excitement of the chase,” Lavin pondered aloud as he surveyed aluminum cans strewn along the median of Route 9. “A plastic bottle, a pack of Camels, a Pringles canister—is he just toying with me?” Later, arriving home to find a still-warm Charleston Chew wrapper on his doorstep, Lavin reportedly peered up and down the block for the shadowy figure he knew wouldn’t be there, chuckled softly to himself, and muttered, “Ooh, this guy’s good.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close