Deterioration Of Bauhaus T-Shirt Symbolizes End Of Era For Local Man

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Vol 35 Issue 17

Eleven-Year-Old Used As Human Shield In Dodgeball Game

SPARTANBURG, SC—The U.N. is condemning the actions of Spartanburg fifth-grader Joshua Fife, who on Monday violated the terms of the 1949 Geneva Convention by using classmate Doug Wiersbicki as a human shield during a gym-class dodgeball game. "The terms of civilian protection, as outlined in the Geneva Convention, were clearly violated by Fife's placement of Wiersbicki in the direct line of heavy dodgeball fire," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. "Whether in Kosovo or Mr. Brundage's gym class, the use of innocents as human shields must not be tolerated."

Senior-Center Residents Debate New Anchorwoman's Ethnicity For Fifth Straight Evening

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Ferndale Senior Center residents debated new Channel 27 Action News anchorwoman Sonya Luntz's ethnicity for a fifth straight day Friday, with Edward Bloch, 81, steadfastly holding to his "Mexican" theory and Muriel Simmons, 83, leaning toward Hawaiian or Indian. "If you ask me, she looks Oriental," said Jack McCallum, 79, watching Luntz on the 6 p.m. newscast. "Orientals have that shape to their face—I saw it in the war." Luntz's ethnicity will be put to an official senior-center vote this Thursday.

Nation's Legislators Resume Unfettered Whoring

WASHINGTON, DC—The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal safely behind them, members of Congress are finally clear to resume their unfettered whoring, Beltway sources reported Monday. "Thank goodness this terrible scandal is over at last," said U.S. Rep. Fred Hutchinson (R-PA), accompanied by two women identified as "Bunny" and "Chantal." "With the national spotlight finally off the sexual indiscretions of its elected officials, my fellow legislators and I are once again free to gleefully hump all manner of mistresses, secretaries and hookers with impunity." Hutchinson then had sex with the women.

Universe Ends As God Wakes Up Next To Suzanne Pleshette

CHICAGO—The 15-billion-year-old universe came to a surprise-twist end Tuesday, when God woke up next to actress Suzanne Pleshette. "What a crazy dream I just had," God said to Pleshette at the conclusion of the popular, long-running universe. "I was the Creator of all things, I had this crazy Son who was always getting arrested and wouldn't get a haircut, and My children were always hurting and killing each other in My name." Pleshette reassured God that He had imagined the whole thing and urged the beleaguered, well-intentioned deity to go back to sleep.

Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

Item! Pamela Sue Anderson Lee is all over the news again! Devoted Harveyheads may recall that about six months ago, I reported that the former Baywatch Babe had help of a surgical variety in a certain chest area. Well, I have it on good authority that she recently underwent surgery again, this time to get rid of those "helpers." I, for one, have to say that she is a gorgeous gal with or without any chestal assistance, and I applaud her decision to go au natural. Kudos, Pam!

Home At Last

For the first time in several months, I woke to find my-self back in my dank, urine-smelling bed-chamber at the Zweibel Estate. How glorious a sight to be-hold! For a second, I almost believed that my horrific experiences were but a terrible night-mare, yet I was almost mad with joy to be reunited with the many possessions I had once so taken for granted. Hello, big stuffed moose head! Hello, chafing-dish! Hello, meerschaum pipe! Hello, blotting paper! Hello, armoire! Hello, cupsidor! Hello, iron-lung! Hello, enema-bulb! Hello, socks!

I Don't Even Remember Writing The Tommyknockers

So, I'm doing this book signing for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon at the Barnes & Noble on Manhattan's Upper West Side last week, and this woman comes up to me, gushing about how The Tommyknockers is her "absolute, all-time favorite book." The name really didn't ring a bell, but I figured I must have written it, seeing as this woman is bothering to tell me how it's her all-time favorite, so I just kind of play along like I know what the heck she's talking about.
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Deterioration Of Bauhaus T-Shirt Symbolizes End Of Era For Local Man

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Sadness, loss and the dull ache of acceptance were just some of the feelings experienced by 29-year-old suburban homeowner and father-to-be Jeff Struck Monday after unearthing a deteriorated Bauhaus T-shirt from his fondly remembered college days.

Jeff Struck wearing his badly-deteriorated Bauhaus T-shirt.

"You can barely read the part on the back where it says 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' any more," said Struck, who came across the shirt in a box marked "Rags/Goodwill" while looking for something old to wear to paint the garage. "This is like the end of an era for me."

"Sure did have a lot of good times in that shirt," said Struck, slowly turning the faded garment over in his hands.

Struck, who attended the University of Michigan from 1987 to 1991, was introduced to Bauhaus in October 1987, when friend and roommate Scott "Scooter" Rothenberger rented the movie The Hunger, which featured a Bauhaus song over the opening credits. The following day, Struck purchased two of the British proto-Goth band's albums, Terror Couple Kill Colonel and Bauhaus 1979-1983, as well as the T-shirt.

"Look, there's the rip on the sleeve Crazy Mike made that time we were carrying him home and he was so drunk he kept slipping on the sidewalk," said Struck, sitting in the breakfast nook of his new starter home. "And that rusty stain where I left it on Scooter's bike handlebars for a couple of days after going skinny-dipping in the river. Good times, man, good times."

Among other fond memories dredged up by the shirt: the time he wore it for four days straight during an unplanned, last-minute trip to Mardi Gras; the time he wore it in 1988 when he and a co-worker stumbled across a free concert in the Michigan Union by "this incredible band that turned out to be Jane's Addiction"; and the time he wore it dancing, then got drunk, went home with a woman whose name he never learned, and had the best sex of his life.

"I'm really glad I found the shirt," Struck said. "But I can't for the life of me remember what happened to my Bauhaus albums. I think we may have sold them at that garage sale we held to pay for the bedroom set. Oh, well."

Deciding he didn't want to get paint on the T-shirt, Struck put it over his shoulder and returned to the basement, rummaging in the box for an alternate shirt. He eventually settled on a yellow Meyer's Rum Sharkbite! shirt he received for free while working as a bartender at The Gold Mine, a popular student night spot that is now a laundromat.

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