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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoor patio of a local gastropub. “It’s pretty nice out,” said 29-year-old Erin LaVelle, who, despite occasionally shivering beneath her light jacket, was unflinching in her commitment to forego an indoor table and stick it out in the nippy 56-degree weather. “It’s so nice to eat outside. I love this time of year.” At press time, the strong-willed group of friends was courageously enduring a perilously brisk period during which a cloud was passing in front of the sun.

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