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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Detroit Lions Not Buying Detroit Lions

DETROIT—Following their 44-7 victory over the Denver Broncos Sunday, players, coaches, and staff of the 6-2 Detroit Lions football team reported that the Detroit Lions football team cannot realistically be considered a legitimate contender in the National Football Conference. "Come on, the Lions are a combined 23-72 in the last six years and haven't won a playoff game since the early '90s," said Lions head coach Rod Marinelli, adding that it "won't be long" before this year's Detroit team inevitably flounders and quarterback Jon Kitna reverts back to his 2002 self. "Sure, they've won a few games, but a real playoff team doesn't lose to the Philadelphia Eagles." Kitna responded to his coach's statement by saying he wouldn't be surprised if the Lions lost by 25 points to the 3-5 Arizona Cardinals next Sunday.

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