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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Detroit Lions Not Buying Detroit Lions

DETROIT—Following their 44-7 victory over the Denver Broncos Sunday, players, coaches, and staff of the 6-2 Detroit Lions football team reported that the Detroit Lions football team cannot realistically be considered a legitimate contender in the National Football Conference. "Come on, the Lions are a combined 23-72 in the last six years and haven't won a playoff game since the early '90s," said Lions head coach Rod Marinelli, adding that it "won't be long" before this year's Detroit team inevitably flounders and quarterback Jon Kitna reverts back to his 2002 self. "Sure, they've won a few games, but a real playoff team doesn't lose to the Philadelphia Eagles." Kitna responded to his coach's statement by saying he wouldn't be surprised if the Lions lost by 25 points to the 3-5 Arizona Cardinals next Sunday.

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