adBlockCheck

Local

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick In Glass-Breaking Ceremony For New Slum

Mayor David Bing christens the brand-new housing development by shattering the window of a dilapidated tenement building.
Mayor David Bing christens the brand-new housing development by shattering the window of a dilapidated tenement building.

DETROIT—As community leaders and members of the press looked on, Detroit mayor David Bing proudly hurled the first brick this week in a window-shattering ceremony for the city's newest dilapidated slum.

The result of three years of construction work and more than $24,000 in public funds, the rat-infested and crime-ridden development was unveiled to the public on Tuesday.

"It is my great honor to introduce to you the brand new Baneberry Heights," announced Bing, gesturing to the ramshackle subdivision behind him. "Filthy, dangerous, filled with violence and blight: It's all here, and it's all completely falling apart."

Martha Wallace, 35, takes a pleasant stroll down one of the neighborhood's dimly lit, trash-strewn streets.

"This is what the people of Detroit have been waiting for," Bing continued before walking to a nearby trash can, setting its contents on fire, and heaving the flaming receptacle through a corner storefront. "Baneberry Heights is a nightmare come true."

Lined with flickering streetlamps, and conveniently located within walking distance of several abandoned Chevrolet plants, the new slum reportedly offers residents the latest in high-risk, hopelessly impoverished housing options. According to city officials, the fully modern ghetto is made up of 10 main tenement buildings, each featuring a wide range of amenities, including rusted-through sinks, substandard heating, and colonies of cockroaches in every room.

"Baneberry Heights has the very worst that money can buy," said slum developer Harold Pitts, adding that each one-bedroom apartment can accommodate desperate families of six or more. "Whether it's darkened and dead-end alleyways, or parks littered with used hypodermic needles, we've thought it all through. Every horrifying detail is in its place."

Designed as an urban community where parents will be too afraid to let children out of their sight, and where residents can come together, get involved in dangerous gangs, and eventually hold up a liquor store, Baneberry Heights is Detroit's largest housing initiative in nearly a decade.

Many have hailed the new slum as a boon for the struggling city, saying it will provide appallingly unsafe housing for 4,000 residents and, by summer's end, cold and bleak street corners for more than 2,000 homeless citizens.

"This is why I became a politician—to help out the people of Detroit," said urban development secretary Robert Sturges, who also christened the new slum by urinating on its entranceway. "Being able to say that I had a hand in getting this squalid hellscape of concrete and steel off the ground...well, it's all the thanks I need."

According to official plans, Baneberry Heights will offer residents a number of perks beyond the standard dignity-free accommodations. Within the year, a grossly out-of-date elementary school—complete with zero computer labs, inattentive teachers, and asbestos in the walls—will be completed. In addition, a new shuttered strip mall will be erected on the edge of the slum, allowing for a deserted hub where prostitution and other illicit activities can flower.

Crews are also putting the finishing touches on an outdated, leaky gas main scheduled to explode next spring.

"The whirring of police sirens, the stench of rising smoke, screams from a domestic dispute spilling out into the night—I can imagine it already," said Detroit city planner Paul Mitchelson. "This is going to be the slum to try and escape from for years to come."

Public reaction to Baneberry Estates has so far been mixed. While some Motor City natives have already started pawning prized possessions and old family heirlooms in order to move into the decrepit development, others seem less convinced.

"As far as giant 'fuck-yous' from the city go, I'm a little underwhelmed," said Danica Michaels, a single mother of four young children. "This is nothing compared to the giant interstate they built through my neighborhood last year."

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close