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Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS?" the Detroit Pistons' JumboTron has reportedly stopped trying to pretend to care about the team this season. "SOMEONE IS ON DEFENSE AND SOMEONE IS ON OFFENSE," the on-screen text said during the second quarter of Friday's game against the Milwaukee Bucks. "FANS! GET UP ON YOUR FEET! THEN WALK OUT OF HERE AND GO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR NIGHT." After showing some highlights from the 2004 championship team, the JumboTron said, "THIS IS JUST DEPRESSING," and then turned itself off completely at halftime, only to return in the game's closing minutes to show a couple of funny dog videos from YouTube.

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