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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Detroit Sold For Scrap

DETROIT—Detroit, a former industrial metropolis in southeastern Michigan with a population of just under 1 million, was sold at auction Tuesday to bulk scrap dealers and smelting foundries across the United States.

Site of the former Detroit Museum of African-American History, which took in over $135.

"This is what's best for Detroit," Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick said. "We must act now, while we can still get a little something for it."

Once dismantled and processed, Detroit is expected to yield nearly 14 million tons of steel, 2.85 million tons of aluminum, and approximately 837,000 tons of copper.

The decision to demolish and cull Detroit for scrap was approved last month by a 6-3 City Council vote after a cost-benefit analysis revealed that, as a functioning urban area, it held a negative cash value.

According to scrap dealers, Detroit is an aging city in fair-to-poor condition, with "substantial wear and tear." It also bears the marks of extensive fire and rust damage, and it may not comply with current U.S. safety and emissions standards.

"There's little interest in the Detroit collectibles market right now, because virtually none of it is in mint condition," independent actuary and appraiser Arnold Cortier said. "The library, for example, is almost a hundred years old. If they're lucky, they'll cull some lead or pig iron."

Even structures in reasonably good condition will be scrapped, including the landmark Guardian Building. A last-minute attempt to spare it fell through late Monday when historical preservationists failed to put together the funds to tow the skyscraper out of town.

Other cities, such as New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles, did not bid, explaining that they already had too many historic Art Deco buildings of their own.

Scrap processors and brokers called the auction a "win-win" situation.

"Detroiters can finally say goodbye to an eyesore that's blighted them for generations," said Al Ranneke, an Allegheny, PA scrap peddler who offered cash for hundreds of tons of the city's many metal parts. "No more getting nickel-and-dimed to death on little repairs, no more kids cutting themselves on jagged, rusted corners, and it all gets hauled off at no charge."

Scrap dealer Vernon Mills pledged he would not "miss out on a good deal" as he hauled away what's left of Detroit's East Side.

Ranneke acquired several Detroit commercial districts and the steel-and-glass 1970s-era Renaissance Center for $4,000.

"I did them a favor," Ranneke said. "Believe me, Detroit's been around the block. I was willing to take it off their hands for six grand, but I caught a glimpse of that Ambassador Bridge and I said 'no way.' I am not Santa Claus."

Another company, Bayonne, NJ's A-1 Salvage, purchased the recently vacated Tiger Stadium for approximately $.17 a ton. A spokesman for the firm said that the People's Republic of China had expressed interest in purchasing the dismantled sports venue. China is the world's largest buyer of scrap metal, and could receive up to 80 percent of the city.

The city's pending shutdown will make thousands of items with no scrap value, and several train-cars full of law enforcement equipment such as handguns, battering rams, and police clubs and riot suits, available to other buyers.

Residents whose homes and businesses are scheduled to be razed will be offered jobs in demolition and debris clearance to compensate for lost income. It is expected that the approximately 7.6 percent of the population that is currently unemployed will be able to start immediately.

The official demolition of Detroit's remaining structures will begin April 17.

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