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The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Detroit Unveils New Half-Ton, 400 Horsepower Motown Singer

DETROIT—At a gala ceremony in the heart of the city’s downtown, Detroit’s civic and business leaders unveiled a new half-ton, 400-horsepower Motown singer Thursday that promises safety, reliability, and soulful, unmistakable melodies. “This fully loaded 1,000-pound tenor with deep gospel roots is what Detroit does best,” said Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers president Mitch Bainwol, showing off the performer’s rugged, road-ready construction and rhythm section with optional funk features. “It’s a dual-exhaust harmonizing machine with full horn accompaniment and superior torque-handling ability guaranteed to churn out dazzling radio singles as well as the occasional politicized street anthem.” At press time, the hybrid-electric singer’s first attempts in the studio had been postponed until engineers can fix whatever is making that rattling noise.

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