adBlockCheck

Entertainment

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
End Of Section
  • More News

Detroit Unveils New Half-Ton, 400 Horsepower Motown Singer

DETROIT—At a gala ceremony in the heart of the city’s downtown, Detroit’s civic and business leaders unveiled a new half-ton, 400-horsepower Motown singer Thursday that promises safety, reliability, and soulful, unmistakable melodies. “This fully loaded 1,000-pound tenor with deep gospel roots is what Detroit does best,” said Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers president Mitch Bainwol, showing off the performer’s rugged, road-ready construction and rhythm section with optional funk features. “It’s a dual-exhaust harmonizing machine with full horn accompaniment and superior torque-handling ability guaranteed to churn out dazzling radio singles as well as the occasional politicized street anthem.” At press time, the hybrid-electric singer’s first attempts in the studio had been postponed until engineers can fix whatever is making that rattling noise.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings