Devin Ebanks Announces Intentions To Enter League They Pay You To Play Basketball At

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Vol 46 Issue 15

Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide

ST. LOUIS—Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into.

Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.
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Devin Ebanks Announces Intentions To Enter League They Pay You To Play Basketball At

MORGANTOWN, WV—West Virginia Mountaineers forward Devin Ebanks announced his intentions Monday to skip his final two years of college eligibility and join that one super-huge nationwide league where they give you money if you play basketball in it. "My dream has always been to go to the basketball place with all the older people who get paychecks for it," Ebanks said. "Not that I didn't cherish my time at that place with all the rooms and the talking people up front with the thick paper word holders. But that was for free, and I need to get one of those basketball jobs." When asked where he thought he would be selected in the 2010 NBA Draft, Ebanks told reporters, "On the stage part of the room with the men in suits with the ping-pong balls."

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