adBlockCheck

Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban

WASHINGTON, DC—The nation's sweeping new gun-control legislation is the result of a confidence trick pulled on President Bush by a devious rabbit, White House sources said Tuesday. The "Coney Act," which Bush signed into law Monday, prohibits the sale or ownership of handguns and semi-automatic weapons and enacts harsh penalties for the hunting of small game, most notably rabbits.

Reporters confront Bush about his recent bamboozling by a devious rabbit (below).

"The gun ban is not the result of a change in the Republican Party's position on gun ownership," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said. "It is the product of a fraud perpetrated by a conniving rabbit, perhaps as an elaborate ruse to avoid being eaten by the president, who is much bigger and stronger than he. Through the use of quick wits and cunning, not physical strength, that dang rabbit got the best of the president."

When he heard about the bill, Frist said he "immediately questioned its authenticity" and informed the president that its author, a "Senator Lepus H. Coney," was not an elected Alabama legislator.

At a press conference Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan related the story of Bush's encounter with the rabbit, whom the president met in the White House's famed Rose Garden, where the rabbit was trespassing.

Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban

"Now, dat ole rabbit, he knew Pezziden' Bush had it in fo' him after he seed him lopin' about in his best rose bushes ez sassy ez a jackdaw," McClellan said. "Sez Pezziden' Bush, sezee, 'I'm gwine ter settle yo' hash, ole Rabbit. I best not cotch you in my rose patch agin, or I'll fill yo' britches wit buckshot.'"

McClellan said that the rabbit, fearing for his life, devised a plan.

"Ole Rabbit got ter studyin' on da problem," McClellan said. "He knew his letters, so he tuck up some paper an' a pen an' commenced scratchin' away. Bimeby, he had hisse'f a right pert mess o' papers, an' so he spreaded 'em out 'pon Pezziden' Bush's writin' desk. Den he set hisse'f down on Pezziden' Bush's fanciest settin' chair es if he wuz borned to it, an' he smoked a seegyar, no less."

According to McClellan, when Bush spotted the rabbit in his chair in the Oval Office, he was "madder'n a yaller jacket."

"Pezziden' Bush sez, sezee, 'What you t'ink dis is yer, a frolic? I'm fetchin' mah shotgun dat da NRA done give me special fo' bein' pezziden','" McClellan said. "Sez da rabbit, sezee, 'Hol' up dar, Pezziden' Bush. I wuz wonderin' if'n you could settle a li'l wager 'twix' me an' ole Mr. Tarrypin.'"

An internal White House document details the events that led to the gun ban.

According to McClellan, the rabbit then described the terms of the wager between himself and the tortoise.

"'It be my hide or his shell‚' sez da rabbit, sezee," McClellan said. "Sez da rabbit, 'Ole Mr. Tarrypin, he sez dat da Pezziden' O' Da Newnited States so thick he kin scarce sign his own name. 'Course, I don' beleeve him, but ter settle da matter I got ter see it fo' myself.'"

Outraged by the accusation, Bush took the rabbit's bait and signed the bill sitting on his desk.

"Bimeby, folks discovered dat, kaze o' Ole Rabbit's monkeyshines, guns wuz now banned all over Creation," McClellan said.

According to FBI sources, the cottontail rabbit is believed to have been born in the Deep South, and often employs deception as a means of self-preservation. Known to have outsmarted such adversaries as a fox, a wolf, and a bear, the rabbit is also believed to have tricked U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) into thinking that the sun was still down so that the animal could swipe vegetables from his refrigerator in May. The rabbit is also the prime suspect in the infamous April incident in which U.S. Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) lodged her head in the knot of a persimmon tree.

"Bless gracious, honey, now don' you fret none 'bout dat rabbit," McClellan said, in response to questions about the animal's current whereabouts and whether he poses a public threat. "Marse [Robert] Mueller'll tuck keer o' him, sho'. He gots his best field hands a-seerchin' high an' low fo' da ole scamp. I 'speck they'll tree him sho' 'nuff."

Rumors that the FBI is constructing a tar baby to catch the rabbit could not be confirmed at press time.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close