Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo

DALLAS—Posing with his family in a 10-second promotional spot for the NFL that aired during Thursday’s game between the Cowboys and Redskins, Dallas wide receiver Dez Bryant could be seen reproachfully smacking his son, Zayne Bryant, whom he noticed squirming around midway through the commercial. “Hi, I’m Dez Bryant. On this special day, our family would just like to wish you a—Zayne, cut it out,” said Bryant, who then hit the back of his son’s head in frustration, smiled and attempted to regain his composure during what the ad’s director confirmed was the cleanest take he could get. “Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving, from our home to—stop crying, now.” Sources confirmed that as soon as the camera cut away, Bryant began strangling his mother, Angela.

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