DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11

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Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

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NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

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DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11

WASHINGTON—Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced Thursday that the Transportation Security Administration, the Border Patrol, and all levels of U.S. law enforcement would be engaging in an all-out nationwide racial profiling binge on Sunday, Sept. 11. "If you have curly hair, a beard of any kind, or so much as a hint of a foreign accent, get ready, because you will definitely be interrogated," said Napolitano, cautioning those with surnames longer than five syllables or containing Z's not to even look at a plane that day unless they wanted to spend an extra five hours held up at security. "My advice to anyone with even the slightest amount of melanin in their skin is just to stay inside and wait it out, because we're going to be handing out pat-downs and full-on detentions like there's no tomorrow." Saying the success of the racial profiling spree would rely largely on public vigilance, Napolitano called on Americans to take note of anyone who looked different from themselves and either report such persons to authorities or "just take them down yourself."

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