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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11

WASHINGTON—Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced Thursday that the Transportation Security Administration, the Border Patrol, and all levels of U.S. law enforcement would be engaging in an all-out nationwide racial profiling binge on Sunday, Sept. 11. "If you have curly hair, a beard of any kind, or so much as a hint of a foreign accent, get ready, because you will definitely be interrogated," said Napolitano, cautioning those with surnames longer than five syllables or containing Z's not to even look at a plane that day unless they wanted to spend an extra five hours held up at security. "My advice to anyone with even the slightest amount of melanin in their skin is just to stay inside and wait it out, because we're going to be handing out pat-downs and full-on detentions like there's no tomorrow." Saying the success of the racial profiling spree would rely largely on public vigilance, Napolitano called on Americans to take note of anyone who looked different from themselves and either report such persons to authorities or "just take them down yourself."

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