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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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DHS Creates Fenced-In Enclosure For Al-Qaeda To Safely Carry Out Attacks

WASHINGTON—In an effort to streamline and better coordinate anti-terrorism efforts, the Department of Homeland Security announced Friday that it had established a designated "safe zone" within which members of al-Qaeda can carry out attacks on American soil without hurting anyone. "We've cordoned off 80 acres of Kansas pasture and created a simulated environment in which those harboring a deadly grudge against our nation can destroy virtual marketplaces, transportation hubs, and even a miniature cityscape complete with a replica U.S. Capitol and Golden Gate Bridge," said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, confirming the facility was equipped with enough airplanes for the terrorists to "climb around in, hijack, and blow up as much as they like." "We also made sure to include plenty of animatronic Iraqi police recruits, since we realize most victims of terrorism these days aren't actually Americans." At press time, 56 were reported dead and 174 injured in a series of coordinated attacks in and around Baghdad.

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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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