adBlockCheck

DHS: Individual Al-Qaeda Operative Assigned To Each American Family

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

DHS: Individual Al-Qaeda Operative Assigned To Each American Family

WASHINGTON, DC—The Department Of Homeland Security claimed to have "reliable information" Monday that al-Qaeda is proceeding with a plan to dispatch to the United States 120 million operatives trained to antagonize and disrupt every American household. "These domestic operatives are already highly knowledgeable about their assigned families' daily schedules, eccentricities, and deepest desires," said DHS secretary Michael Chertoff. "All we can say is that they are serious, they are committed, and they have a lot more members than we ever imagined." While Chertoff said people should go about their daily lives as normally as possible, he did urge people to be diligent in reporting any unusual activity or suspicious Arab-looking men in their kitchens, bedrooms, closets or underneath their dinner tables.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close