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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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DHS: Individual Al-Qaeda Operative Assigned To Each American Family

WASHINGTON, DC—The Department Of Homeland Security claimed to have "reliable information" Monday that al-Qaeda is proceeding with a plan to dispatch to the United States 120 million operatives trained to antagonize and disrupt every American household. "These domestic operatives are already highly knowledgeable about their assigned families' daily schedules, eccentricities, and deepest desires," said DHS secretary Michael Chertoff. "All we can say is that they are serious, they are committed, and they have a lot more members than we ever imagined." While Chertoff said people should go about their daily lives as normally as possible, he did urge people to be diligent in reporting any unusual activity or suspicious Arab-looking men in their kitchens, bedrooms, closets or underneath their dinner tables.

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