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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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DHS: Individual Al-Qaeda Operative Assigned To Each American Family

WASHINGTON, DC—The Department Of Homeland Security claimed to have "reliable information" Monday that al-Qaeda is proceeding with a plan to dispatch to the United States 120 million operatives trained to antagonize and disrupt every American household. "These domestic operatives are already highly knowledgeable about their assigned families' daily schedules, eccentricities, and deepest desires," said DHS secretary Michael Chertoff. "All we can say is that they are serious, they are committed, and they have a lot more members than we ever imagined." While Chertoff said people should go about their daily lives as normally as possible, he did urge people to be diligent in reporting any unusual activity or suspicious Arab-looking men in their kitchens, bedrooms, closets or underneath their dinner tables.

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