adBlockCheck

DHS Releases 5 Terrorists Into U.S. To Test National Security

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

DHS Releases 5 Terrorists Into U.S. To Test National Security

Guards at Guantánamo Bay release a prisoner who will be able to effectively test whether St. Louis Arch personnel can thwart a bomb plot.
Guards at Guantánamo Bay release a prisoner who will be able to effectively test whether St. Louis Arch personnel can thwart a bomb plot.

WASHINGTON—As part of its routine series of preparedness drills aimed at testing national security, the Department of Homeland Security announced Monday that it had set free the five most deadly foreign terrorists in U.S. custody.

"Protecting the American people is our highest priority, so it is crucial that we periodically put our country's safeguards to the test," DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano said during a press conference. "Only by loosing these dangerous extremists on our infrastructure, landmarks, and chemical or nuclear facilities can we properly assess our vulnerability to terrorist attacks."

"If the Empire State Building or Jefferson Memorial blows up, for example, then we'll know we have to make some improvements," she added. "It's all part of the process."

The terrorists were reportedly transported separately by helicopter to undisclosed locations across the country and supplied with clothing, $10,000 cash, and a list of contacts known for making statements about crushing the U.S. government. The DHS also confirmed that the terrorists, who vowed nothing would stop them from their ultimate goal of destroying all of America, received a $100 Home Depot gift card for incidentals and supplies.

"To ensure the reliability of this exercise, not a single DHS employee or any federal or local law enforcement officers know where the terrorists are," Napolitano said. "We will give them a 48-hour head start before distributing their pictures and launching a nationwide search."

"In the meantime, we will have no contact with them, and will allow these talented and barbaric war criminals to do what they do best," Napolitano added.

Homeland Security officials said the drill will provide vital information on exactly how easily a hypothetical group of terrorists could exploit vastly underprotected and insufficiently funded areas such as Yosemite National Park, the Hoover Dam, most of the North American power grid, or virtually any U.S. port.

The department's deputy secretary, Jane Holl Lute, who personally analyzed background information on each of the incarcerated terrorists, said the "final five" were selected for the high level of risk they posed to the United States, their experience developing and executing terror plots, and their knowledge of explosives, as well as their overall remorselessness and leadership qualities.

The group comprises alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed; senior al- Qaeda member Abu Faraj al-Libbi; 1993 World Trade Center bomber Ramzi Yousef; former al-Qaeda in Iraq commander Khaled al- Mashhadani; and 1998 U.S. embassy bomber Khalfan Khamis Mohamed.

"These terrorists are the absolute cream of the crop, I can assure you," Lute said. "No one else in American custody terrifies us more than these horrible, violent men."

Prior to their release, the terrorists were reportedly deprived of sleep, starved, and tortured in hopes of raising their anger levels and provoking them to coordinate a strike suitable for challenging the nation's readiness, response, and recovery efforts.

DHS spokesman Roger Munns said there was no reason for concern, since all the terrorists would most likely be apprehended during routine traffic stops well before they conspired to attack national defense utilities or used weapons of mass destruction to murder millions of innocent Americans.

"Some of them will certainly attempt to infiltrate some of our more vulnerable nuclear power plants in Texas or North Carolina, but the odds of them succeeding are pretty low, if you think about it," Munns said. "Although, off the record, I really hope they don't go after Chicago's mass transit system, because, let me tell you, that whole thing would go up in flames real quick."

NORAD Commander James A. Winnefeld, Jr. assured reporters that adequate security measures were in place to protect the American public and the plan would not fail as it did during the botched Sept. 11, 2001 security preparedness exercise.

"In our defense, we really didn't think it would be possible for them to hit both towers," Winnefeld said. "But with hindsight, I guess it's clear that we gave those guys way too much money and training."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close