adBlockCheck

DHS Releases 5 Terrorists Into U.S. To Test National Security

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

DHS Releases 5 Terrorists Into U.S. To Test National Security

Guards at Guantánamo Bay release a prisoner who will be able to effectively test whether St. Louis Arch personnel can thwart a bomb plot.
Guards at Guantánamo Bay release a prisoner who will be able to effectively test whether St. Louis Arch personnel can thwart a bomb plot.

WASHINGTON—As part of its routine series of preparedness drills aimed at testing national security, the Department of Homeland Security announced Monday that it had set free the five most deadly foreign terrorists in U.S. custody.

"Protecting the American people is our highest priority, so it is crucial that we periodically put our country's safeguards to the test," DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano said during a press conference. "Only by loosing these dangerous extremists on our infrastructure, landmarks, and chemical or nuclear facilities can we properly assess our vulnerability to terrorist attacks."

"If the Empire State Building or Jefferson Memorial blows up, for example, then we'll know we have to make some improvements," she added. "It's all part of the process."

The terrorists were reportedly transported separately by helicopter to undisclosed locations across the country and supplied with clothing, $10,000 cash, and a list of contacts known for making statements about crushing the U.S. government. The DHS also confirmed that the terrorists, who vowed nothing would stop them from their ultimate goal of destroying all of America, received a $100 Home Depot gift card for incidentals and supplies.

"To ensure the reliability of this exercise, not a single DHS employee or any federal or local law enforcement officers know where the terrorists are," Napolitano said. "We will give them a 48-hour head start before distributing their pictures and launching a nationwide search."

"In the meantime, we will have no contact with them, and will allow these talented and barbaric war criminals to do what they do best," Napolitano added.

Homeland Security officials said the drill will provide vital information on exactly how easily a hypothetical group of terrorists could exploit vastly underprotected and insufficiently funded areas such as Yosemite National Park, the Hoover Dam, most of the North American power grid, or virtually any U.S. port.

The department's deputy secretary, Jane Holl Lute, who personally analyzed background information on each of the incarcerated terrorists, said the "final five" were selected for the high level of risk they posed to the United States, their experience developing and executing terror plots, and their knowledge of explosives, as well as their overall remorselessness and leadership qualities.

The group comprises alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed; senior al- Qaeda member Abu Faraj al-Libbi; 1993 World Trade Center bomber Ramzi Yousef; former al-Qaeda in Iraq commander Khaled al- Mashhadani; and 1998 U.S. embassy bomber Khalfan Khamis Mohamed.

"These terrorists are the absolute cream of the crop, I can assure you," Lute said. "No one else in American custody terrifies us more than these horrible, violent men."

Prior to their release, the terrorists were reportedly deprived of sleep, starved, and tortured in hopes of raising their anger levels and provoking them to coordinate a strike suitable for challenging the nation's readiness, response, and recovery efforts.

DHS spokesman Roger Munns said there was no reason for concern, since all the terrorists would most likely be apprehended during routine traffic stops well before they conspired to attack national defense utilities or used weapons of mass destruction to murder millions of innocent Americans.

"Some of them will certainly attempt to infiltrate some of our more vulnerable nuclear power plants in Texas or North Carolina, but the odds of them succeeding are pretty low, if you think about it," Munns said. "Although, off the record, I really hope they don't go after Chicago's mass transit system, because, let me tell you, that whole thing would go up in flames real quick."

NORAD Commander James A. Winnefeld, Jr. assured reporters that adequate security measures were in place to protect the American public and the plan would not fail as it did during the botched Sept. 11, 2001 security preparedness exercise.

"In our defense, we really didn't think it would be possible for them to hit both towers," Winnefeld said. "But with hindsight, I guess it's clear that we gave those guys way too much money and training."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close