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Politics

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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DHS Sets Security Alert Level To Green For 8 Seconds

WASHINGTON—For a brief eight-second period Tuesday, Homeland Security officials lowered the national terror alert system to green, indicating the first occasion since September 11, 2001, that the United States of America was at absolutely no risk of a terrorist attack. "During this time there was no anti-U.S. chatter on the Internet, no al-Qaeda operatives planning to behead an American soldier or journalist, and no suspicious individuals boarding any foreign or domestic flights," Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano said during a White House press briefing. "It was a pretty wonderful eight seconds." The terror alert level was then immediately raised to red after terrorists drove a truckful of explosives into the Seattle Space Needle.

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