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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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DHS Warns U.S. In Danger Of Another Eagles Reunion Album

Acting DHS Secretary Rand Beers warns that the multiplatinum-selling band is determined to release a reunion album in the U.S. again.
Acting DHS Secretary Rand Beers warns that the multiplatinum-selling band is determined to release a reunion album in the U.S. again.

WASHINGTON—Issuing a nationwide high alert and urging all Americans to “be prepared for the worst,” Department of Homeland Security acting Secretary Rand Beers announced today the “serious and imminent threat” of a possible new Eagles reunion album in the coming weeks or months.

“According to alarming chatter we’ve intercepted between Don Henley and Glenn Frey in recent days, the two songwriters may already be ‘kicking a few ideas around’ and ‘just riffing and seeing where it takes us,’ developments that traditionally suggest the high probability of another potential Eagles reunion album scenario in the near future,” Beers told reporters, adding that the DHS has also received high-level intelligence verifying that known record producer Bill Szymczyk recently booked studio time at The Doghouse recording facility in Los Angeles. “We are taking these threats very seriously and would like all citizens to be prepared for the possibility of a 70-minute new Eagles studio album, with a potential eight extra minutes of bonus cuts and acoustic live tracks.”

Experts say satellite imagery recently taken of Eagles agent/manager Irving Azoff’s mansion in Beverly Hills indicates that, in addition to Henley and Frey, longtime bassist Timothy B. Schmidt is reportedly “on standby” and “at the ready” to record with the band, or possibly tour, with dire reports suggesting the 66-year-old musician may even share a songwriting credit on a forthcoming ballad entitled “Desert Rose.”

While Beers reiterated that he was “not at liberty” to divulge certain details of the alleged eighth Eagles studio album, he was able to issue a clear warning that the possible record may feature strong country and soft-rock inflections, sun-dappled harmonies, “some sort of long, allegorical track called ‘Cruel Fortune’ or ‘The End Times’ about sinful excess in the City of Angels or how we’ve ruined the environment or something,” and one potentially disastrous attempt at hard rock with an extended slide guitar solo and lyrics about a “hard livin’ mama with a mighty soft smile.”

Worse yet, department officials say, is the presence of an unknown number of Eagles fans already living and working inside the nation’s borders who would serve to support such an action on the part of the band.

“Should another Eagles album—or even, God forbid, a double album—be released to the public at large, it could potentially affect millions of Americans, and the devastation would easily rival the 2007 Wal-Mart exclusive release of Long Road Out Of Eden and the 1994 live comeback album Hell Freezes Over, the previous two occasions on which the band has struck,” Secretary Beers said. “At this juncture, we can only advise the American people to be aware of a heightened risk. In the meantime, we will continue to monitor all available sources for any recent signs of a smug Glenn Frey interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan about how the band ‘may just have enough bullets left for one last showdown before we hang up our spurs.’”

At press time, DHS officials noted that the only potentially reassuring news concerning the planned Eagles reunion album is that lead guitarist Joe Walsh would almost certainly be involved.

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