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DHS Warns U.S. In Danger Of Another Eagles Reunion Album

Acting DHS Secretary Rand Beers warns that the multiplatinum-selling band is determined to release a reunion album in the U.S. again.
Acting DHS Secretary Rand Beers warns that the multiplatinum-selling band is determined to release a reunion album in the U.S. again.

WASHINGTON—Issuing a nationwide high alert and urging all Americans to “be prepared for the worst,” Department of Homeland Security acting Secretary Rand Beers announced today the “serious and imminent threat” of a possible new Eagles reunion album in the coming weeks or months.

“According to alarming chatter we’ve intercepted between Don Henley and Glenn Frey in recent days, the two songwriters may already be ‘kicking a few ideas around’ and ‘just riffing and seeing where it takes us,’ developments that traditionally suggest the high probability of another potential Eagles reunion album scenario in the near future,” Beers told reporters, adding that the DHS has also received high-level intelligence verifying that known record producer Bill Szymczyk recently booked studio time at The Doghouse recording facility in Los Angeles. “We are taking these threats very seriously and would like all citizens to be prepared for the possibility of a 70-minute new Eagles studio album, with a potential eight extra minutes of bonus cuts and acoustic live tracks.”

Experts say satellite imagery recently taken of Eagles agent/manager Irving Azoff’s mansion in Beverly Hills indicates that, in addition to Henley and Frey, longtime bassist Timothy B. Schmidt is reportedly “on standby” and “at the ready” to record with the band, or possibly tour, with dire reports suggesting the 66-year-old musician may even share a songwriting credit on a forthcoming ballad entitled “Desert Rose.”

While Beers reiterated that he was “not at liberty” to divulge certain details of the alleged eighth Eagles studio album, he was able to issue a clear warning that the possible record may feature strong country and soft-rock inflections, sun-dappled harmonies, “some sort of long, allegorical track called ‘Cruel Fortune’ or ‘The End Times’ about sinful excess in the City of Angels or how we’ve ruined the environment or something,” and one potentially disastrous attempt at hard rock with an extended slide guitar solo and lyrics about a “hard livin’ mama with a mighty soft smile.”

Worse yet, department officials say, is the presence of an unknown number of Eagles fans already living and working inside the nation’s borders who would serve to support such an action on the part of the band.

“Should another Eagles album—or even, God forbid, a double album—be released to the public at large, it could potentially affect millions of Americans, and the devastation would easily rival the 2007 Wal-Mart exclusive release of Long Road Out Of Eden and the 1994 live comeback album Hell Freezes Over, the previous two occasions on which the band has struck,” Secretary Beers said. “At this juncture, we can only advise the American people to be aware of a heightened risk. In the meantime, we will continue to monitor all available sources for any recent signs of a smug Glenn Frey interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan about how the band ‘may just have enough bullets left for one last showdown before we hang up our spurs.’”

At press time, DHS officials noted that the only potentially reassuring news concerning the planned Eagles reunion album is that lead guitarist Joe Walsh would almost certainly be involved.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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