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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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DHS Warns U.S. In Danger Of Another Eagles Reunion Album

Acting DHS Secretary Rand Beers warns that the multiplatinum-selling band is determined to release a reunion album in the U.S. again.
Acting DHS Secretary Rand Beers warns that the multiplatinum-selling band is determined to release a reunion album in the U.S. again.

WASHINGTON—Issuing a nationwide high alert and urging all Americans to “be prepared for the worst,” Department of Homeland Security acting Secretary Rand Beers announced today the “serious and imminent threat” of a possible new Eagles reunion album in the coming weeks or months.

“According to alarming chatter we’ve intercepted between Don Henley and Glenn Frey in recent days, the two songwriters may already be ‘kicking a few ideas around’ and ‘just riffing and seeing where it takes us,’ developments that traditionally suggest the high probability of another potential Eagles reunion album scenario in the near future,” Beers told reporters, adding that the DHS has also received high-level intelligence verifying that known record producer Bill Szymczyk recently booked studio time at The Doghouse recording facility in Los Angeles. “We are taking these threats very seriously and would like all citizens to be prepared for the possibility of a 70-minute new Eagles studio album, with a potential eight extra minutes of bonus cuts and acoustic live tracks.”

Experts say satellite imagery recently taken of Eagles agent/manager Irving Azoff’s mansion in Beverly Hills indicates that, in addition to Henley and Frey, longtime bassist Timothy B. Schmidt is reportedly “on standby” and “at the ready” to record with the band, or possibly tour, with dire reports suggesting the 66-year-old musician may even share a songwriting credit on a forthcoming ballad entitled “Desert Rose.”

While Beers reiterated that he was “not at liberty” to divulge certain details of the alleged eighth Eagles studio album, he was able to issue a clear warning that the possible record may feature strong country and soft-rock inflections, sun-dappled harmonies, “some sort of long, allegorical track called ‘Cruel Fortune’ or ‘The End Times’ about sinful excess in the City of Angels or how we’ve ruined the environment or something,” and one potentially disastrous attempt at hard rock with an extended slide guitar solo and lyrics about a “hard livin’ mama with a mighty soft smile.”

Worse yet, department officials say, is the presence of an unknown number of Eagles fans already living and working inside the nation’s borders who would serve to support such an action on the part of the band.

“Should another Eagles album—or even, God forbid, a double album—be released to the public at large, it could potentially affect millions of Americans, and the devastation would easily rival the 2007 Wal-Mart exclusive release of Long Road Out Of Eden and the 1994 live comeback album Hell Freezes Over, the previous two occasions on which the band has struck,” Secretary Beers said. “At this juncture, we can only advise the American people to be aware of a heightened risk. In the meantime, we will continue to monitor all available sources for any recent signs of a smug Glenn Frey interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan about how the band ‘may just have enough bullets left for one last showdown before we hang up our spurs.’”

At press time, DHS officials noted that the only potentially reassuring news concerning the planned Eagles reunion album is that lead guitarist Joe Walsh would almost certainly be involved.

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