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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Dianne Feinstein Horrified After New Gun Control Bill Disintegrates Immediately Upon Crossing Into Senate Chamber

WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber. “I was just walking in from my office holding the bill like this, and as soon as I stepped through the doorway, it just crumbled to nothing,” said an alarmed Feinstein, adding that within moments, all that was left of the newly drafted measure, which would have prevented the sale of firearms to individuals suspected of terrorism, was a small pile of ash on the Senate floor. “I tried printing out another copy, but the exact same thing happened. I even tried standing on the threshold of the room and just holding the bill partway inside, but it instantly burned off half the page, all the way down to the part about closing loopholes. It was terrifying.” At press time, Feinstein had reportedly tried to speak the text of her bill aloud on the floor of the Senate, only to have her vocal cords suddenly seize up, rendering her completely mute.

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