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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Diary Lied To

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Marnie Powell, a seventh-grader at Grand Junction Middle School, lied to her diary Monday, filling the journal with several out-and-out fabrications. "I had the best time at Jessica's party," wrote the 13-year-old honors student, recording the falsehood in purple ink. "There were tons of cool guys, and I had so much fun dancing." In actuality, the socially awkward, bespectacled Powell tentatively bobbed up and down on the perimeter of the dance floor for 30 seconds before retreating to the refreshment table for the remaining three hours of the event.

After Birth

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