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Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave

The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum, which sources say is impossible to escape from.
The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum, which sources say is impossible to escape from.

SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the legacy of the former vice president on display in a vast, dark, sulfurous cave thousands of feet below the surface of the earth.

According to officials, the subterranean library will permanently house the archived records and artifacts of Cheney’s vice presidency and will include more than 2.7 million photographs, thousands of razor-sharp stalactites, 4 million documents offering a legal basis for torture, scalding-hot green smoke wafting out of the cave walls, an original manuscript of the Patriot Act, hundreds of sick and hungry cave bears, and 15,000 audio recordings from Cheney’s private meetings.

“The Cheney Museum offers a firsthand look at the life and work of our nation’s 46th vice president,” said head curator Jonathan Luddom, a 7-foot-tall blind cavern dweller with third-degree burns on his face and limbs. “From the Hall of Obfuscation, to the Pit of Yellowcake Uranium, to the interactive waterboarding exhibit for kids, this library is a stirring tribute to who Mr. Cheney is and what he believes in.”

“Now I must go and search for food and moisture,” continued Luddom, moments before being devoured by a swarm of ravenous bats.

The museum, which officials confirmed is under constant and comprehensive video and audio surveillance at all times, from all possible angles, will feature ceaseless cackling heard in the distance, noxious fumes, and a preserved recreation of Cheney’s office, including the former vice president’s desk, reportedly made from the skulls and femurs of over 4,000 dead Iraqi civilians.

Sources also reported that the library’s Quagmire Wing contains an endless, unannounced chasmic drop into total nothingness.

“The exhibit on how he created a sprawling security state is amazing—I learned so much,” said visitor Emma Moser, 29, as Black Ops agents tracked her every movement. “And it was so cool reading about what a huge part he played in destabilizing the Middle East for generations to come. What a fascinating life!”

“And I can’t believe that’s his original heart preserved in a glass case in the atrium!” Moser added. “It was neat how it was all charred and blackened.”

In addition to covering Cheney’s long and esteemed career in government, museum officials told reporters the infernal, cavernous library will contain a number of revealing glimpses into his personal life, including pieces from his personal collection of drones and a number of original oil paintings by the former vice president depicting empty eye sockets, various torture implements, and rotten meat hanging from hooks.

“And once you’re done perusing the library, don’t forget to grab a hot lunch of eviscerated detainee tongue in the Cheney Cafe,” read a leaked CIA memo from an anonymous source. “Stop by the gift shop, too. In fact, all are required, by the provisions of the Patriot Act, to stop by the gift shop. Those who don’t will be prosecuted by the federal government.”

At press time, the library is currently in an undisclosed location.

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