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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Dick Vermeil Tears Up During Piniella's Last Press Conference

COATESVILLE, PA—As the voice of Cubs manager Lou Piniella trembled during a farewell press conference Sunday night, former NFL coach Dick Vermeil, who watched the event from home, grew misty-eyed and found himself unable to continue as he heard Piniella speak about his 48-year baseball career. "I'd rather reflect on… on the good times I've had here," Piniella said through Vermeil's tears. "I guess this is the last time I'll put on my uniform." In recent years, Vermeil has also reportedly broken down during Jerry Rice's Hall of Fame ceremony, the season premiere of True Blood, and while watching the cook hand-spin and toss the dough for a large sausage-and-onion pie at nearby Pino's Pizzeria.

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