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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Dick Vermeil Tears Up During Piniella's Last Press Conference

COATESVILLE, PA—As the voice of Cubs manager Lou Piniella trembled during a farewell press conference Sunday night, former NFL coach Dick Vermeil, who watched the event from home, grew misty-eyed and found himself unable to continue as he heard Piniella speak about his 48-year baseball career. "I'd rather reflect on… on the good times I've had here," Piniella said through Vermeil's tears. "I guess this is the last time I'll put on my uniform." In recent years, Vermeil has also reportedly broken down during Jerry Rice's Hall of Fame ceremony, the season premiere of True Blood, and while watching the cook hand-spin and toss the dough for a large sausage-and-onion pie at nearby Pino's Pizzeria.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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