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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Dick Vitale Enthusiastic About Latest Al-Qaeda Plot

BRISTOL, CT—On the set of SportsCenter Sunday to talk about the upcoming college basketball season, analyst Dick Vitale expressed his extreme enthusiasm for college hoops, the autumn weather, and most shockingly, the latest al-Qaeda terrorist plots. “Subway bombings? I love it! Take it underground, baby!” Vitale shouted directly into the camera before calling al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri a “Prime-Time Player.” “Give me AQ over any other terrorist organization out there. Bar none. They’re scintillating, sensational, and you’ve got to love that dedication, baby!” While initially shocked and confused, fellow analyst Jay Bilas admitted at the end of the segment that Vitale’s excitement helped make al-Qaeda’s plot actually sound great.

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