adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Dick Vitale More Sexual During March Madness, Wife Lorraine Reports

BRISTOL, CT—Emerging from her husband's dressing room slightly out of breath and sporting nothing more than a silk robe and tousled hair, Lorraine Vitale, wife of iconic ESPN college basketball analyst Dick Vitale, told reporters Sunday that her spouse is at his sexual peak during March Madness.

"He's an animal," said Mrs. Vitale, adding that prior to her husband's appearance on ESPN's Selection Sunday special, the couple engaged in sexual intercourse three times in different locations, including once in a Bank of America ATM kiosk. "We fool around at other times during the year, of course, but once the conference tournaments start and the brackets are finalized, well, that's when the role-playing starts, the dirty talk gets louder, and 'the prime-time player' comes out of its velvet-lined case and gets fresh batteries."

"He's especially aggressive this year because Duke has a legitimate chance at making the Final Four," she added.

Lorraine, who has been married to Vitale for more than 35 years, said her husband uses certain erotic techniques only during March Madness, including the dipsy-doo dunkaroo; the super scintillating sensational slam-jam bam bam; the backdoor, baby; and the trifecta, which Lorraine would not describe in detail, but said involves the use of Mr. Vitale's index, thumb, and forefinger.

According to Mrs. Vitale, their lovemaking becomes longer and more intense as the NCAA tournament progresses—sometimes lasting well into the morning hours if her spouse has had a particularly heated exchange with fellow college basketball analyst Jay Bilas. She said that once the Sweet 16 is set, Mr. Vitale enjoys achieving orgasm by playing erotic games such as the "Cameron Crazy" and the "Diaper Dandy."

"That's what the baby bottle and diaper are for," she said.

But what her husband enjoys playing most, Mrs. Vitale noted, is "Duke vs. UNC," a game in which he dresses up as a Blue Devil, she wears a University of North Carolina cheerleader outfit, and, at the sound of an air horn, the two "go at it hard like two in-state rivals."

Mrs. Vitale would not confirm rumors that ESPN analyst Digger Phelps sometimes participates while dressed as Wake Forest's "Demon Deacon" mascot.

"When the Final Four comes around, Dick is so sexually charged that he's pretty much into everything," said the mother of two, who admitted that it was disturbing at first to watch her husband stand stark naked in their kitchen, a ball gag muffling his screams of "It's awesome, baby," but that the practice had grown on her. "And I'll admit that it's a little weird when he shouts out 'Krzyzewski' at the moment of climax, but believe me, it's worth it. I have so many orgasms that it doesn't matter."

"Quite frankly the month of March has given our marriage the kind of excitement other couples only dream of," she continued. "Every woman deserves to experience, just once, the type of arousal I feel when my husband and I join together in the slap-a-lapp-anapper."

The Vitales' odd and oftentimes graphic lascivious behavior began in March 1983, when the two spontaneously made love on Testudo, an oversized bronze statue of a diamondback terrapin turtle that sits outside the University of Maryland library. It was at that point that Lorraine Vitale said she knew something carnal had taken over her husband.

"It was after a pretty close game with a tournament spot on the line. We were walking through campus, and Dick whispered to me, 'The students rub [the turtle] for luck, so let's get really lucky tonight,'" she said. "I'll never forget it. The torn-off underwear, the cool bronze against my knees, and Dick's hot body on my back thrusting, thrusting, thrusting…. Excuse me, I need a drink of water."

"Hey, Lorraine, come on," Dick Vitale could be heard saying from inside his dressing room. "I want to try this cream that Bob [Knight] and Karen [Knight] use."

Before reentering the dressing room, Mrs. Vitale confirmed what everyone had already assumed to be true: that immediately after the NCAA championship game Dick Vitale ejaculates one last time, rolls over, and sleeps through the entire month of April.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close