adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dick Vitale Undergoes Annual Bracketological Examination

SARASOTA, FL—Emphasizing the importance of having a healthy 68-team field, college basketball analyst Dick Vitale confirmed Tuesday that he underwent his annual bracketological exam at Sarasota Memorial Hospital. “It’s obviously not the most pleasant experience, but you gotta have a bracketological checkup at least once a year just to make sure everything is okay—give me that peace of mind any day of the week, baby!” Vitale said of the invasive 20-minute screening, which entailed a deep and thorough probing of all four of his regional brackets, as well as detailed measurements of both his RPI and SOS levels. “I had a little scare when I noticed I had the University of Richmond coming out of the A10, but the doctor told me it’s nothing to be worried about. Still, better to catch anything like that before the first round rather than wait until it’s too late and wake up to a busted bracket. Love that preventative care! Love it!” After inspecting his at-large bids for abnormally high seeds, Vitale’s bracketologist reportedly warned the 74-year-old to diligently check his tournament bubble every day for any large and prominent upsets.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close