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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Diphtheria Excited About Possibility Of New Outbreak

LOS ANGELES—Following a flare-up of measles in California and reports of new cases across several western states this week, the disease diphtheria told reporters Thursday that it was excited about the possibility of a new outbreak in America. “I really didn’t think I stood a chance of re-emerging in a developed country again, but this measles thing is giving me some hope—I mean, why not me?” said the deadly contagious infection that has been virtually nonexistent in the United States since a vaccine was introduced in the 1920s. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself, obviously, but these days I just feel like anything’s possible. Man, another epidemic! If I get a second opportunity, I’ll definitely make the most of it.” Diphtheria went on to say that, if everything really fell into place, it’d be able to reunite in the human population with typhus and polio.

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