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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Dirk Nowitzki Recommends Playing In NBA Games To Friends Taking Road Trip

DALLAS—Claiming they would have "so much fun" and "also get to meet some of my NBA friends," Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki enthusiastically recommended playing in NBA games when chatting Monday with several friends who were planning a cross-country road trip. "If you're going to be in downtown Phoenix, you absolutely have to drop in and play the Suns," said Nowitzki, adding that in his opinion, there's no better way to kill time in the Southwestern city. "And I think one of you said you were going to New York, right? Well, you gotta play professional basketball at Madison Square Garden against the Knicks while you're there. There's so much history in that place. Plus, New Jersey is really close, so you can get in a quick game with the Nets. Just don't try to do it all in one day." Nowitzki added that if his friends were looking for a place to stay in Chicago, they could always crash with his buddy Joakim.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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