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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Disappointed Couple On 8-Month Waitlist To Get Married At Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they “had [their] hearts set” on the venue, engaged couple Tamara Hunter and David Bryant expressed disappointment to reporters Monday upon learning the headquarters of the Defense Department currently has an eight-month waiting list for weddings. “We figured there would be a lot of other couples trying to book the Pentagon for their wedding, but we had no idea we’d have to reserve it so far in advance,” said Hunter, voicing regret and frustration that she hadn’t acted sooner to realize her vision of an intimate marriage ceremony officiated by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta in the military office complex’s 5-acre central plaza. “I guess we should have known we’d never get in there for a May wedding—after all, it’s every little girl’s dream to have her special day in a 6.5-million-square-foot defense facility.” Hunter added that she and her fiancé were now considering both the deck of the USS Theodore Roosevelt and Bagram Airfield, but stated that these second-choice locations “just didn’t feel right.”

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