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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Disappointed Couple On 8-Month Waitlist To Get Married At Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they “had [their] hearts set” on the venue, engaged couple Tamara Hunter and David Bryant expressed disappointment to reporters Monday upon learning the headquarters of the Defense Department currently has an eight-month waiting list for weddings. “We figured there would be a lot of other couples trying to book the Pentagon for their wedding, but we had no idea we’d have to reserve it so far in advance,” said Hunter, voicing regret and frustration that she hadn’t acted sooner to realize her vision of an intimate marriage ceremony officiated by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta in the military office complex’s 5-acre central plaza. “I guess we should have known we’d never get in there for a May wedding—after all, it’s every little girl’s dream to have her special day in a 6.5-million-square-foot defense facility.” Hunter added that she and her fiancé were now considering both the deck of the USS Theodore Roosevelt and Bagram Airfield, but stated that these second-choice locations “just didn’t feel right.”

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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