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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Disappointed Couple On 8-Month Waitlist To Get Married At Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they “had [their] hearts set” on the venue, engaged couple Tamara Hunter and David Bryant expressed disappointment to reporters Monday upon learning the headquarters of the Defense Department currently has an eight-month waiting list for weddings. “We figured there would be a lot of other couples trying to book the Pentagon for their wedding, but we had no idea we’d have to reserve it so far in advance,” said Hunter, voicing regret and frustration that she hadn’t acted sooner to realize her vision of an intimate marriage ceremony officiated by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta in the military office complex’s 5-acre central plaza. “I guess we should have known we’d never get in there for a May wedding—after all, it’s every little girl’s dream to have her special day in a 6.5-million-square-foot defense facility.” Hunter added that she and her fiancé were now considering both the deck of the USS Theodore Roosevelt and Bagram Airfield, but stated that these second-choice locations “just didn’t feel right.”

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