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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Disappointed LeBron James Endures Long Ride Home On All-Star Team Bus

MIAMI—Following the discouraging 143-138 loss to the Western Conference, Heat forward LeBron James boarded the NBA East All-Star Team bus Sunday and endured the long and uncomfortable 28-hour ride from Houston to Miami. “I was feeling bummed about going 0 for 4 at the end of the game, so it really sucked when it took forever to get home because the driver decided to drop off the other All-Stars first,” said James, adding that the tedious bus journey included stops in Chicago, Indianapolis, Cleveland, Boston, New York, Brooklyn, and Philadelphia before arriving in Miami. “The whole trip was so annoying and boring. Plus, the bus was crowded so I had to share a seat with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.” James confirmed that the only toilet on the bus ceased functioning properly somewhere in Arkansas after Celtics forward Kevin Garnett clogged the bathroom fixture.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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