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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Disappointing Indy 500 Viewership Prompts Organizers To Hold Race Again This Weekend

INDIANAPOLIS—Citing lower television viewership numbers than expected despite an unusually exciting race, Izod IndyCar officials announced they would hold the 2012 Indianapolis 500 again this coming weekend. "Everyone should tune in to see the record 35 lead changes, Takuma Sato's daring but ultimately disastrous attempt to take the lead on the last lap, and Dario Franchitti's triumphant third Indy 500 victory," said IndyCar chief Randy Bernard, explaining that the June 17 Indy 500 would be identical to the May 27 running, which he called one of the best in the race's long history. "Really, it was great. We have no idea why more people didn't see it the first time." Bernard later acknowledged that no one should have watched June 3's Detroit IndyCar race, which he conceded was "an unwatchable shitshow."

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