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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Disappointing Prince Vaults Found To Contain 37,000 Hours Of Billy Joel Covers

CHANHASSEN, MN—Ending rampant speculation regarding the extent of the late musician’s catalogue of unreleased recordings, the executors of Prince’s estate announced Monday that the performer’s famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Billy Joel covers. “Prince was constantly creating throughout his career, and after finally accessing his vast trove of previously unheard music, we now know that he produced over 40,000 albums’ worth of material that is, unfortunately, made up entirely of songs originally recorded by Billy Joel,” said attorney L. Londell McMillan, reluctantly admitting that Prince had produced at least 9,000 hours of “Uptown Girl” covers alone. “We regrettably found a slowed-down, 40-minute version of ‘Scenes From An Italian Restaurant’ from the late 1980s, as well as a melodic vocal-only version recorded more recently—and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It appears he was still recording pulsing, guitar-driven covers of ‘She’s Always A Woman’ up until his death. Tragically, we could be hearing new Prince tracks covering Billy Joel classics for decades to come.” Dejected executors went on to announce they had discovered Prince’s private journals containing hundreds of pages of additional, updated verses to “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”

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