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Disastrous Ad Campaign Appeals To Basic Human Intelligence

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Disastrous Ad Campaign Appeals To Basic Human Intelligence

LOS ANGELES—A new low was hit in advertising Thursday when an ad campaign appealing to basic human logic and rationality became the single-most money-losing effort in the entire history of the industry. "We thought, let's just stick to the facts: what the product is, what it does, and why it's better than other brands," said James O'Connor, CEO of O’Connor Advertising and chief architect of the disastrously failed commercials. "As it turns out, we should have just shown 28 seconds of talking CGI pigs and then displayed the product name right at the very end." O'Connor Advertising has issued a formal apology to the viewing public, promised it will never make the same mistake again, and announced plans to produce "the perfect ad," which will feature celebrities, high-end cars, cutting-edge special effects, and snack chips.

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