Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Disciplinarian Parent Annoying Restaurant Much More Than Unruly Toddler Ever Could

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Making a big scene in front of everyone, disciplinarian parent Michael Torres was reportedly annoying diners at Leghorn Grill Friday far more than his unruly toddler ever possibly could. “I’m trying to enjoy my dinner in peace, but that man yelling at his kid to sit still is really getting on my nerves,” said restaurant patron Susan Chen, who along with everyone else in the establishment cast irritated glances at the man screaming at the top of his lungs at his 2-year-old son for standing on the seat. “I mean, this probably isn’t the first time he’s acted out like this, so that family should know better than to bring him to restaurants. They should just eat at home until he’s ready to go out in public. God, I wish he’d just leave already.” At press time, customers were growing even angrier as the restaurant’s staff seemed content to just let the toddler’s father carry on like that for their entire meal.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.