Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Disciplinarian Parent Annoying Restaurant Much More Than Unruly Toddler Ever Could

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Making a big scene in front of everyone, disciplinarian parent Michael Torres was reportedly annoying diners at Leghorn Grill Friday far more than his unruly toddler ever possibly could. “I’m trying to enjoy my dinner in peace, but that man yelling at his kid to sit still is really getting on my nerves,” said restaurant patron Susan Chen, who along with everyone else in the establishment cast irritated glances at the man screaming at the top of his lungs at his 2-year-old son for standing on the seat. “I mean, this probably isn’t the first time he’s acted out like this, so that family should know better than to bring him to restaurants. They should just eat at home until he’s ready to go out in public. God, I wish he’d just leave already.” At press time, customers were growing even angrier as the restaurant’s staff seemed content to just let the toddler’s father carry on like that for their entire meal.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.