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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Discovery Of Oil Turns Peru Into Bunch Of Assholes

LIMA, PERU–The recent discovery of a vast oil reserve in southern Peru has turned the South American nation's citizenry into "a bunch of first-class assholes," U.N. sources said Monday.

"Before this oil thing, the Peruvians were a real nice, down-to-earth people," said U.N. General Assembly president Harri Holkeri. "But now they strut around, wearing flashy clothes, driving Mercedes, loudly talking about their summer homes in Monaco. Everyone here at the U.N. has noticed the change."

The discovery of the oil field is expected to increase Peru's crude-oil reserves from less than a billion barrels to nearly 23 billion. With a production goal of 800,000 barrels a day, the reserve is expected to add almost $9 billion to the country's GNP and place it among the world's top 20 oil-producing nations as early as next year.

"It's too bad we're stuck down here in South America, surrounded by all these poor countries," Peruvian president Alberto Fujimori said. "Those filthy Chileans have goats and chickens running loose in the streets. And they don't even have running water. I can't tell you how much I'd rather be in Europe, where people have a little class."

Added Fujimori: "I'd kill for a half-million square miles on the Mediterranean."

The day after Petroperú scientists made the oil find, the Peruvian government went on a spending spree, buying a gold-domed parliament building, a squadron of top-of-the-line F-14 fighter jets, and a brand-new $2 billion infrastructure, including 450 suspension bridges and a six-lane highway running through the Andes Mountains. The following day, the country demanded that the 2004 Olympics be held in Lima and enacted legislation to change the country's motto to "One Nation, Living The Sweet Life."

Peru's relations with neighboring countries have deteriorated since the discovery. When Argentine president Fernando de la Rúa made a diplomatic trip to Peru on Oct. 5, Fujimori asked him to "run out and get [him] a cup of coffee." Fujimori later told de la Rúa he is "surprised you are so fat, considering you hardly have any food in your country."

"I've never been treated this way in my life," de la Rúa said. "You know what these Peruvians are? Instant asshole, just add oil."

A Peruvian farmer in the mountain village of Arequipa calls his broker.

Ecuadoran president Gustavo Noboa agreed. "What a bunch of pricks they've turned into," Noboa said. "I met with their minister of trade shortly after the oil discovery, and the whole time, all he did was make fun of our principal exports. 'Ooh, bananas, coffee, and sugarcane–I am so impressed. I would love to trade some of my grade-A petroleum for some of your cocoa.' Fucking jerk."

Peru has also canceled its membership in the Organization of American States.

"Suddenly, they're not interested in participating in the OAS anymore?" said Bolivian president Hugo Bánzer. "Fine, don't. Drop out if we're not good enough for you anymore. Go join OPEC or NATO or some other rich-nation club."

In addition to the rude behavior, Peruvian leaders have made several big-ticket purchases that have been criticized as needlessly flashy.

"The first thing they did was start construction on a state-of-the-art 115,000-seat [soccer] stadium in Lima," Brazilian president Fernando Cardoso said. "Then Fujimori calls me up and tells me my country can use it if we ever want to hold a match in a 'decent' stadium."

Andreas Stikker, director of the Netherlands' Rijksmuseum, expressed his disdain for Peru's extravagance, as well.

"A few days ago, the curator of some museum in Lima called me up and wanted to know how much we want for a couple of Rembrandts, telling me that money is no object," Stikker said. "I asked him which ones, and he said, 'The Night Watch or whatever.' It was obvious he didn't even care about the paintings and just wanted the status of owning them."

The change is not just evident in Peruvian officials. The nation's citizens, predominantly farmers, have discarded much of their traditional dress for ostentatious designer clothing and have become noticeably louder and pushier.

"All over town, you see these obnoxious Peruvian peasant women walking around in their new Dolce & Gabbana leopard jackets," said Victoria Keene of Aspen, CO, whose ski resorts are overrun with the South Americans. "They've got nouveau riche written all over them. I'm surprised they actually cut off the price tags. Talk about your Peruvotrash."

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