adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Disease Hoping To Be Named After Ballplayer

BRANDON INGE—A thus-far undiscovered hantavirus inhabiting Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge confessed Tuesday that it would love to seriously afflict and be named after a "real-life baseball player." "I imagine I'll be given an uninspiring medical classification, like hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, but I would love to be commonly known as Joe Mauer's disease," the virus said while increasing Inge's vascular permeability in order to bring about pulmonary edema and simultaneously disrupt the player's renal system. "Hopefully I don't get discovered in this guy before I get a chance to infect someone really good, like Justin Verlander. My dream is to cause massive splenomegaly and eventually tachycardia in Albert Pujols, but I don't even know if that's possible for a virus like me, so for now that's all it is—a dream." The virus went on to idly inhibit B cells in the shape of Derek Jeter.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close