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Disease Hoping To Be Named After Ballplayer

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Disease Hoping To Be Named After Ballplayer

BRANDON INGE—A thus-far undiscovered hantavirus inhabiting Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge confessed Tuesday that it would love to seriously afflict and be named after a "real-life baseball player." "I imagine I'll be given an uninspiring medical classification, like hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, but I would love to be commonly known as Joe Mauer's disease," the virus said while increasing Inge's vascular permeability in order to bring about pulmonary edema and simultaneously disrupt the player's renal system. "Hopefully I don't get discovered in this guy before I get a chance to infect someone really good, like Justin Verlander. My dream is to cause massive splenomegaly and eventually tachycardia in Albert Pujols, but I don't even know if that's possible for a virus like me, so for now that's all it is—a dream." The virus went on to idly inhibit B cells in the shape of Derek Jeter.

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