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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Disgusted Researchers Can’t Even Bring Themselves To Find Out How Much Mayo The Average American Consumes Yearly

WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Almost too queasy to even comment on the study at all, a team of disgusted researchers from the College of William and Mary announced Thursday they couldn’t bring themselves to find out how much mayonnaise the average American consumes each year. “After reviewing preliminary figures on the annual rate of mayonnaise consumption in the U.S., we couldn’t stop gagging and decided there was absolutely no way we could pursue this topic any further,” said head researcher Leonard Aldridge, adding that he insisted the data be reexamined multiple times to uncover the mathematical error he assumed must account for the sickening numbers that had emerged. “I still shudder when I think about all the test subjects who arrived at our research lab with mayonnaise literally on their fingers and mouth and, on one or two occasions, in their hair. Seriously, when a questionnaire comes back to you smeared with mayonnaise on both sides, do you even need to score it?” Aldridge went on to say, however, that he was certain future studies into the consumption rates of melted cheese, ranch dressing, and butter would be far less disturbing.

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