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Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs

ARLINGTON, VA—Following a Thanksgiving weekend in which agents were compelled to perform full-body scans and invasive pat-downs of millions of obese, exceedingly unhygienic American travelers, visibly disgusted Transportation Security Administration officials said Monday they were joining critics in opposing the controversial new security measures. "After inspecting nude images of some of the most revoltingly unmaintained bodies in the world, we must call for an immediate end to these federally mandated scans," said TSA chief John Pistole, who was forced to pause several times during a press conference when his gag reflex was triggered by the visual aids being presented to reporters. "Furthermore, intimate contact with the actual sweaty genitals of these nauseating individuals thousands of times a day has convinced us no one deserves to be subjected to this horrible procedure. The rubber gloves do not make it better." Several TSA agents have suggested the new security protocols should remain in effect anytime Modern Family star Sofía Vergara is traveling domestically or internationally.

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