Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs

ARLINGTON, VA—Following a Thanksgiving weekend in which agents were compelled to perform full-body scans and invasive pat-downs of millions of obese, exceedingly unhygienic American travelers, visibly disgusted Transportation Security Administration officials said Monday they were joining critics in opposing the controversial new security measures. "After inspecting nude images of some of the most revoltingly unmaintained bodies in the world, we must call for an immediate end to these federally mandated scans," said TSA chief John Pistole, who was forced to pause several times during a press conference when his gag reflex was triggered by the visual aids being presented to reporters. "Furthermore, intimate contact with the actual sweaty genitals of these nauseating individuals thousands of times a day has convinced us no one deserves to be subjected to this horrible procedure. The rubber gloves do not make it better." Several TSA agents have suggested the new security protocols should remain in effect anytime Modern Family star Sofía Vergara is traveling domestically or internationally.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close