Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs

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Vol 46 Issue 48

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Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they "bring some of those hot Texas girls along," Commissi...

Chiefs Accidentally Win Again

SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by scoring more touchdowns.

Marriage Handled Amicably

DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.

Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in soaps, were at greater risk for allergies.
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Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs

ARLINGTON, VA—Following a Thanksgiving weekend in which agents were compelled to perform full-body scans and invasive pat-downs of millions of obese, exceedingly unhygienic American travelers, visibly disgusted Transportation Security Administration officials said Monday they were joining critics in opposing the controversial new security measures. "After inspecting nude images of some of the most revoltingly unmaintained bodies in the world, we must call for an immediate end to these federally mandated scans," said TSA chief John Pistole, who was forced to pause several times during a press conference when his gag reflex was triggered by the visual aids being presented to reporters. "Furthermore, intimate contact with the actual sweaty genitals of these nauseating individuals thousands of times a day has convinced us no one deserves to be subjected to this horrible procedure. The rubber gloves do not make it better." Several TSA agents have suggested the new security protocols should remain in effect anytime Modern Family star Sofía Vergara is traveling domestically or internationally.

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