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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Disgusting Gyro Meat Magically Turns Delicious After Midnight

CHAMPAIGN, IL—A serving of greasy, heavily processed gyro meat was magically rendered delicious by the passage of the midnight hour, drunken Nick's Parthenon patron Sam Afton reported Monday. "Aw, man, this is so awesome," said Afton, gorging on the 14-hour-old, sodium-drenched strips of grade-C ground beef and lamb. "Thank God this place was open—I was starving." During his six years in Champaign, Afton had walked past the low-cost Greek eatery on 207 occasions, each time disgusted by the smell and sight of the massive rotating cylinder of cheap, low-grade meat on twin spindles.

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