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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Disheartened Man Expected At Least One Text While Checking Phone After Flight

BALTIMORE—Expressing frustration over the lack of any new text notifications on his phone, disheartened Southwest Airlines passenger Shawn Woods confirmed Thursday that he had expected to receive at least one message upon checking the device after his flight. “It was a four-hour flight, so I assumed I’d get a text from somebody,” said a dejected Woods, 38, who had reportedly sent out text messages to three individuals before switching the phone to airplane mode prior to takeoff, setting himself up, in his mind, for multiple responses. “I figured it was just taking a while to connect to the network, but I could hear other people getting texts as soon as the plane landed. I turned it off and back on and there was still nothing.” At press time, Woods was reportedly further dismayed upon checking his inbox and failing to find anything good.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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