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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Disheartened Man Expected At Least One Text While Checking Phone After Flight

BALTIMORE—Expressing frustration over the lack of any new text notifications on his phone, disheartened Southwest Airlines passenger Shawn Woods confirmed Thursday that he had expected to receive at least one message upon checking the device after his flight. “It was a four-hour flight, so I assumed I’d get a text from somebody,” said a dejected Woods, 38, who had reportedly sent out text messages to three individuals before switching the phone to airplane mode prior to takeoff, setting himself up, in his mind, for multiple responses. “I figured it was just taking a while to connect to the network, but I could hear other people getting texts as soon as the plane landed. I turned it off and back on and there was still nothing.” At press time, Woods was reportedly further dismayed upon checking his inbox and failing to find anything good.

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