adBlockCheck

Disillusioned FBI Launches Nationwide Hunt For Some Kind Of Truth

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Holidays

Disillusioned FBI Launches Nationwide Hunt For Some Kind Of Truth

WASHINGTON—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that the entire manpower of his increasingly disillusioned agency has been diverted into a massive nationwide search for some semblance of genuine, concrete truth.

FBI agents are actively pursuing something worth holding onto in this crazy, mixed-up world.

"After years of investigating all the things people do to one another, from murder to mail fraud, every agent at the bureau's disposal has been reassigned to track down something—anything—that could still be considered pure and true," the world-weary Mueller said. "We are currently working around the clock to pinpoint the exact location of any shred of goodness left in humanity, and will not rest until this ineffable notion is finally in our custody."

Added Mueller, "If some inkling of truth is out there, the FBI will find it."

The existential hunt, underway across all 50 states, is the largest initiative launched by the FBI to date. So far, nearly 8,000 federal agents have been mobilized to search for the intangible concept, with several units being deployed to watch the setting sun, walk barefoot through fields of grass, and "listen—truly listen" to the laughter of children in hopes of tracking it down.

The FBI's counterterrorism division has been reassigned to watch sunsets and listen to Pink Floyd.

In addition, the FBI has reportedly started selling off all its belongings, including even its highly prized forensic spectral analysis equipment, in the event that divesting itself of worldly possessions will bring it closer to locating the elusive truth.

According to an interoffice memorandum, all FBI employees have also been instructed to throw their cell phones into the Potomac River.

"We are following several leads," said Mueller, who was seen Monday leaving the agency's entire $6.4 billion budget next to a homeless man sleeping on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial. "Reliable witnesses have said that truth may be hiding in a good, honest day's work, or is potentially being harbored in something as simple as a butterfly alighting on a chrysanthemum."

"At this time, we are also attempting to verify CIA intelligence which seems to indicate that the only real truth is living one's life not by any philosophy, but simply by being kind and decent and good," Mueller continued.

Several agents contacted for interviews told reporters they have been dispatched on investigative cross-country road trips in beat-up Volkswagen vans, while others have been ordered to take peyote and wander through Joshua Tree National Park in an effort to obtain clues from animal spirit guides.

Items like the Bhagavad Gita have already been taken into custody by the FBI.

Mueller also said there would be an international component to the search. Dozens of officials have been assigned to vaccinate orphans in African villages, and 80 additional agents have been told to lose and then find themselves again while backpacking across India. The FBI is reportedly counting on these missions to provide some insight into the whereabouts of anything resembling an unadulterated ethical certitude.

"Our internal affairs division has been authorized to use every self-interrogation method at its disposal," Mueller said. "After all, if the clues we've gathered from the Bhagavad Gita concerning the Paramatman aspect of the Brahman are in fact accurate, divine purity and truth may very well be traced right back to each of our hearts."

At press time, the FBI said that it had detained a number of Tibetan monks, philosophy professors, and Sufi scholars as "persons of interest."

Though many government agencies have been supportive of the FBI's dogged pursuit of a potential universal morality, others said that the bureau is prone to these types of large-scale philosophical dragnets and will soon return to normal.

"You'll see. They'll get tired of this whole silly thing soon enough," said Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "This is just like when they botched that big heroin ring bust a couple years ago and everyone over there became a Buddhist for two months."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close