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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Dismembered Nate Silver Found In Dumpster Behind Gallup Headquarters

WASHINGTON—Calling the grisly crime scene “deeply disturbing,” Metropolitan Police confirmed Wednesday that the dismembered body of political statistician Nate Silver had been found in a dumpster behind the Gallup organization’s headquarters. “At approximately 4:26 a.m., a member of the building’s cleaning staff discovered the torso and severed limbs of a man in his mid-to-late 30s mixed in with hundreds of pages of blood- and viscera-soaked polling data,” said MPD spokesman Sgt. Brendan Davies, who added that Silver’s decapitated head—identified by his signature black rectangular glasses—had also been found in a bowling bag discarded near the research institution. “The extensive bruising along the mutilated body parts also indicates that he had been beaten prior to his death, possibly by more than one person. If anyone has any leads as to who might have targeted Silver, the founder of FiveThirtyEight and a leading expert on political and economic trends, please contact us immediately.” Police officials told reporters they were still looking into the outline of a bell curve on his chest formed by what appeared to be cigarette burns.

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