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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Dismembered Nate Silver Found In Dumpster Behind Gallup Headquarters

WASHINGTON—Calling the grisly crime scene “deeply disturbing,” Metropolitan Police confirmed Wednesday that the dismembered body of political statistician Nate Silver had been found in a dumpster behind the Gallup organization’s headquarters. “At approximately 4:26 a.m., a member of the building’s cleaning staff discovered the torso and severed limbs of a man in his mid-to-late 30s mixed in with hundreds of pages of blood- and viscera-soaked polling data,” said MPD spokesman Sgt. Brendan Davies, who added that Silver’s decapitated head—identified by his signature black rectangular glasses—had also been found in a bowling bag discarded near the research institution. “The extensive bruising along the mutilated body parts also indicates that he had been beaten prior to his death, possibly by more than one person. If anyone has any leads as to who might have targeted Silver, the founder of FiveThirtyEight and a leading expert on political and economic trends, please contact us immediately.” Police officials told reporters they were still looking into the outline of a bell curve on his chest formed by what appeared to be cigarette burns.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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