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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Dismembered Nate Silver Found In Dumpster Behind Gallup Headquarters

WASHINGTON—Calling the grisly crime scene “deeply disturbing,” Metropolitan Police confirmed Wednesday that the dismembered body of political statistician Nate Silver had been found in a dumpster behind the Gallup organization’s headquarters. “At approximately 4:26 a.m., a member of the building’s cleaning staff discovered the torso and severed limbs of a man in his mid-to-late 30s mixed in with hundreds of pages of blood- and viscera-soaked polling data,” said MPD spokesman Sgt. Brendan Davies, who added that Silver’s decapitated head—identified by his signature black rectangular glasses—had also been found in a bowling bag discarded near the research institution. “The extensive bruising along the mutilated body parts also indicates that he had been beaten prior to his death, possibly by more than one person. If anyone has any leads as to who might have targeted Silver, the founder of FiveThirtyEight and a leading expert on political and economic trends, please contact us immediately.” Police officials told reporters they were still looking into the outline of a bell curve on his chest formed by what appeared to be cigarette burns.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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