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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Disney Reveals That Every Disney Movie Takes Place In Single, Unified Universe

BURBANK, CA—During the final installment of a three-part retrospective podcast on the film studio Thursday, longtime Disney illustrator Russell Schroeder revealed that every one of the company's live-action and animated features takes place in a single, unified world. "Most people don't know this was the way Walt Disney envisioned it, but every one of these films takes place in the same interconnected universe," said Schroeder, explaining that Never Never Land is only five minutes away from the coral reef where Nemo lives along with Daryl Hannah's character from Splash." "The plot of the The Lion King may not be happening at the same time as Aladdin, but those characters are all there in that world while it's going on. Of course, if the filmmakers had been so inclined, they could have had Jasmine hop into Herbie Fully Loaded and speed through Pride Rock on her way to see the Jonas Brothers' 3D Concert Experience—that is, if she didn't get tricked by Br'er Rabbit's Tar Baby first." When asked why more characters didn't cross paths during their adventures, Schroeder responded that filmmakers have approached the collective kingdom rather cautiously ever since Bambi's mother was mistaken for a rabid dog and shot by Travis from Old Yeller.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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