‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film ‘Death At Pooh Corner’

BURBANK, CA—Hinting that the gritty new animated feature would close the book on a “beloved friend,” a new Disney trailer on Monday teased the exit of a major character in the upcoming film Death At Pooh Corner. “Fans of the franchise should brace themselves, because Death At Pooh Corner might just be the last time they ever see one of their favorite characters in the Hundred Acre Wood,” said Disney spokesperson Sarah Freeborn, alluding to the preview’s opening shot showing Pooh jerking his head up after hearing a gunshot off in the distance and saying “Oh, bother.” “As suggested by the minor-key score and drab black-and-gray color palette of the trailer, tragedy is coming for Christopher Robin and his friends, all of whom will be stripped of their innocence in a single brutal act.” At press time, the official poster was released, featuring driving rain lashing a honey pot turned on its side in a mud puddle and the tagline “Winter 2017.”

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