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Disney World Mascot Could Use A Fucking Vacation Himself

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Disney World Mascot Could Use A Fucking Vacation Himself

ORLANDO, FL—Walt Disney World employee Ronald Smoller, costumed for the 10th straight hour and the 23rd straight day as Goofy, could use a fucking vacation himself, the 33-year-old reported Monday. "Every day, I sweat my ass off in this goddamn oxygen-deprivation Goofy suit while kids kick me, trip me, punch me and give me the finger," said Smoller, who twice has requested a transfer to a Frontierland souvenir shop but has been denied. "I'm sick of it." Smoller's next paid vacation is slated for late November, when he said he plans to go on a two-week bender somewhere the hell away from here.

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