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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Disney’s ‘Toy Tales’ Hits Theaters Friday

GLENDALE, CA—Sources at Walt Disney Animation Studios told reporters today they are expecting big things from their brand-new computer-animated feature film Toy Tales, which will debut in theaters across the country this Friday. “I think kids and adults alike are going to fall in love with the film’s gang of talking toys and their spirited, often touching adventures,” said Disney Studios chief creative officer John Lasseter, adding that he expected the film to kick off a continuing series featuring the colorful, anthropomorphic playthings. “We’ve got Brendan Fraser starring as Ranger Gil, Tommy Lee Jones as his rival-turned-sidekick Robot Fred, and Ray Romano as the wisecracking Mr. Lincoln Log. There will be laughs, there will be thrills, and there will also be a poignant coming-of-age tale at the heart of the film to give it a real emotional core. We dug deep and came up with a great original premise that people will love.” Lasseter went on to reveal that Disney has several other computer-animated films currently in production, including Scary Creatures, Mouse Chef, and Up High.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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